“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.” Ellen De Generes

I have been searching for balance in my life.  Aren’t we all?  Some days the highs and the lows seem to zip by like clay pigeons at a shooting range.  (Which is a hell of a lot harder to hit then it seems).

Posing at the shooting range with my patient instructor – I hit one

I think too much.  I over think things.  And then I think I think some more.   You get the point.  My head  feels like it never rests, it’s as if my computer is making that irritating “searching” image and you sit waiting for it to reach whatever its looking for.  Sometimes I get distracted waiting and I forget what I was searching for. 

A few weeks ago there was a party, not in the real sense of a party with balloons animals and favors and decorations and cake (must have cake), but one that manifested itself in my head.  I neither received the Evite nor accepted it.  A few close acquaintances, though definitely not friends, were there, such as fear, dread, panic and my constant sidekick, that “biotch”, anxiety.  The trigger for said party is usually when I look at all the tasks I feel I have to do – and can’t figure out how to prioritize them to get them done, or realize that life still goes on if I don’t finish them all.  The feeling makes me lose control and feel as if I am on the edge of a cliff or whitewater rafting, neither which I would find calming or centering.

It’s been a few weeks since I revisited this blog so I am not sure what prompted me to write it that day, but today I “understand” the feeling I was having when I wrote it.  The point for me is to find the balance in order to make it a successful day.  I try to never stray too far from what is to me the middle ground where I can live in my head most comfortably. Sometimes it’s the little things that seem to set me off so much I can’t calm down.  It’s like I have fallen and I can’t get up, even though I try.  I wish I was on “who wants to be a millionaire” so I can use a lifeline to get my head back to normal.

Lifeline

I think about what make me happy; my family, my friends, and the places I have been and the life I have been lucky enough to live.  I drink a cup of tea, or a gallon of diet coke, tell myself that “nothing bad has happened yet”, and if it has, such as my godmother passing away when I wasn’t here, or a call from my dad telling me that something is wrong and I need to come over right now, I try to deal with it.  It’s okay to be sad; it’s okay to be scared.  It’s just not okay for me to let myself be so sad or so scared that I can’t function.  It’s just not.  And I try to do what I need to do function. Then when the “crisis” is over, I try to let it go.  I wish I could pat myself on the back and say Linda girl you did a fine ass job, but I am not there yet.  And to overuse the word, it’s okay.  Honest to goodness.  I know I am alright when I can laugh about again. That’s my balance.  When I can find the humor in the situation.  It may seem tacky to some but trust me not to the people who are my lifeline.  To those that help me find my balance although you may not even know it, I want to say that I love you very much and I appreciate you more than you know.

A balanced life

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life”   William Arthur Ward.